From attachment parenting to gentle parenting, every parenting style has its own name. One parenting style that has gained a lot of popularity over the last several years is respectful parenting.
Respectful parenting caught my eye when I was pregnant with my first baby. I knew I wanted a different, kinder parenting method than what was mainstream. And I knew that I needed to learn more about respectful parenting. What I learned totally resonated with me and the kind of mom that I wanted to be.
Are you interested in practicing respectful parenting? It isn’t hard! Let’s dive into an introduction to respectful parenting and learn about how you can get started.
What is Respectful Parenting?
Respectful parenting is rooted in mutual respect.
It’s all about collaboration, and working with your child(ren), and it’s based on the premise that children deserve to be treated with the same respect as anyone else does. They are worthy of respect and patience, despite their young age and small size.
Children are People, Too.
This is the main principle of respectful parenting. Mothers and fathers strive to parent in a way that makes the children feel respected, supported, heard, loved, and valued as individuals.
Traditional or mainstream parenting typically focuses strongly on training children in how we want them to act. We want the “good” children, which are the ones who follow the rules and obey their parents at all times.
Now, don’t get me wrong: we need our children to behave and follow rules. We need them to grow up and know how to be functional in society, and we want them to be successful and live good lives. All of this is extremely important.
However, traditional parenting styles don’t necessarily embrace the individuality of our children, or respect their independence and needs. Every child has their own needs and desires, and respectful parenting works to set consistent limits with respect. We strive to work with our kids to meet everyone’s needs, including the grownups.
Related: Feeling Like a Hot Mess? How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed as a Mom
5 Things Respectful Parenting Isn’t
Before we go through principles to follow when you practice respectful parenting, it’s a good idea to know what this parenting method is not. Like anything else, there are dozens of misconceptions about this parenting style.
1. Respectful Parenting is NOT Permissive Parenting
Many people grew up in authoritarian homes and think you are either an authoritative or permissive household. Respectful parenting doesn’t fall into either of those categories.
As parents, we are actively involved with our kids and their daily lives. It is our job to help them understand how they impact each other without using punishment or force.
But we live in a world that believes that we are spoiling them if we aren’t “in charge of” or controlling our kids.
It’s also a misconception that the absence of punishment and full control over our kids means that they can do whatever they want. That’s simply not true.
Respectful parenting is parenting with respect. Setting limits and communicating to children… with the respect they deserve. It doesn’t mean saying YES all the time or being afraid to use the word NO. Not at all.
2. It Doesn’t Use Punishments
When you decide to use respectful parenting, that means you aren’t going to be using punishments as your main form of teaching discipline. This change can be one of the hardest things for parents to wrap their minds around, but it does make sense.
When we respect our kids, we understand that everyone makes mistakes, but we tend to hold children to higher standards.
That also means you cannot respectfully parent and spank your kids. This tends to be a controversial topic, but violence isn’t respectful. Using force against your child will not make your child feel respected and maintain trust in your relationship.
3. It Doesn’t Use Removal of Items or Time Outs
I know this is easier said than done, but we don’t want to punish children by arbitrarily or forcibly removing belongings or freedoms. It just doesn’t feel good and unless it’s a direct consequence of their actions.
For example, if your child isn’t adhering to your screen time rules, taking their tablet away is a reasonable consequence.
However, taking your child’s toys away for not eating his lunch? That’s a random, unrelated consequence that makes no real sense.
The point is not to abuse the power you have over your kids. If they aren’t using a toy properly or safely, it should and could get taken. But don’t take the toy because your little one did something or said something you don’t like that was completely unrelated.
When we do abuse our power this way, we show that our support is conditional and that we don’t truly respect our child. It’s often a sign of disconnection and distrust. (If your partner did that to you, imagine the feelings it would create.)
We need to treat our kids so that they know their belongings, space, and freedoms are their own.
Many people believe that time-outs are more respectful ways to punish our kids, but this strategy is still punitive. Yes, it’s better than spanking your child, but time-outs are disconnecting. It’s a form of forced abandonment by removing love and support. No child is taking that time to think about what they’ve done wrong. Instead, they feel powerless, angry, unloved, and frustrated.
Really, when you use time-outs, you’re pushing your child to be away from you when they need you the most. As my boys have gotten older, and the sibling fighting has begun, I’ll admit that we’ve had to use “calm-down periods”. But we don’t banish the kids to their rooms or anything like that. I will separate them sometimes (after I’ve allowed them to bicker long enough because bickering is a natural way kids learn how to deal with one another) and ask them both to try again when they’ve cooled down.
Another way to do this is to sit with your child in a “time-in”. Instead of banishing them to the corner or to their room for a time out, sit on the couch with them while they calm down. Your presence will help lend strength and support to your little one as they try to regulate their emotions.
4. It’s Not Shameful
If anything is prevalent in our society today, it’s shaming children.
It’s so common that you might not even recognize it as shaming. Saying things like “stop acting like a baby” or “you’re acting ridiculous” is a form of shame. “You should know better” is also shaming.
Those funny memes of toddlers crying for ridiculous reasons? Shaming and embarrassing.
Shame is toxic. It’s powerful, but not in a good way. It has toxic effects on humans, and children tend to be exposed to an abundance of guilt. Chances are you can pinpoint a time when you were shamed or a time when you unknowingly shamed your child.
5. It Doesn’t Create Arbitrary Rules
Creating arbitrary rules is another form of control. (Are you sensing a theme here? It’s really about not abusing power as the adult in the relationship.)
Life has plenty of rules already. Your job has rules, the school has rules, the government has rules, driving on the road involves following rules, and more.
Since there are so many rules, to begin with, we don’t need to create arbitrary rules for the sake of creating rules. There is no reason to develop random rules for kids to follow. If you do need to establish rules, make sure they make sense first.
Sometimes I’ve caught myself saying “no” to my kids on autopilot for seemingly no good reason. That’s when I try to take a step back and evaluate whether my rule is useful or if it’s just an arbitrary rule that really has no meaning behind it.
Related: 20+ Useful Mom Hacks For First-Time Moms
12 Rules to Live By as a Respectful Parent
So, you’re still interested in practicing respectful parenting? Great! Here are some rules to live by that help make more sense of this parenting style.
1. Work With Your Kids, Not Against Them
Does parenting feel like a constant battle for your family labeled “parents versus kids”?
That’s not how it has to be or should be done. Respectful parenting means that parents work together with their kids. This isn’t a battlefield or a field littered with landmines. We are working hand-in-hand with our children, who are humans, and they are far more capable than we have given them credit for.
Yes, that means your kids will mess up a lot, but no one learns skills or traits without messing up a few thousand times. Your children cannot learn to make good choices or to be trusted without messing up. Kids need to be able to practice safely, make a decision, and learn how to regulate themselves before they head out into the world by themselves.
When you work with your kids, you involve them in our choices and daily lives. You work together to find solutions when there might be issues. You don’t have to do something to a child; you do it with your child.
2. Put Yourself In Their Shoes
As I learned more about respectful parenting, this is something that stood out to me. How often do you put yourself figuratively in your child’s shoes? Do you take time to remember how it felt to be a child?
It’s incredible the revelations I have when I stop and think about my childhood experiences and what I felt. Try putting yourself in their shoes. Think about what they’re experiencing and feeling.
3. Validate Their Emotions
While our kid’s crazy emotions might sometimes drive us mad — no one likes tantrums — an essential part of respectful parenting encourages parents to validate their child’s feelings. That means no belittling or shaming them for how they feel.
Children have less experience with emotional regulation, and there are a lot of adults who need help in this area as well. If you are very upset, does it feel good when someone tells you “it’s okay”? Probably not, and kids feel the same way.
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4. Set Boundaries
The prevailing myth about respectful parenting is that we are permissive without any rules. That’s wrong, as we mentioned above, but our society tends to use the words “boundaries” to make them feel better about force or manipulation. That’s not the boundaries that we employ in respectful parenting.
Boundaries are something you do with your kids, not to your children. Remember: we are working with our kids to navigate our family life. Life has boundaries, and we need to discuss them with our kids.
All kids have times when they “test” boundaries, which generally means that they are fighting for autonomy. They need to trust their own senses and reasons, but they also need to trust us as parents to help them navigate situations.
Of course, we keep our kids safe, as well! We don’t want to undermine their capabilities, but we do need to ensure they have opportunities to grow and develop new skills. You also will keep your other kids safe. Having a boundary that we don’t hit other people goes for the entire family, just as an example. Kids can understand why this is a boundary. Hitting hurts someone else.
5. Spend Time Connecting With Your Kids
All of this is for nothing if we don’t have a secure connection with our children. Respectful parenting won’t work if we don’t have a bond and our kids don’t feel connected to us. Connecting with our kids helps us feel valued and trusted, leading kids to value and trust you as well.
When you find that more profound connection with your child, you realize how parenting significantly impacts our kids. Take time to be with your children, and don’t use it as time to coach them or criticize them. Play games, watch a movie together, take a walk, read a book, go bowling, or have a water balloon fight.
6. Accept Who They Are, Not Who You Want Them to Be
We all have a vision of who we think our kids should be or wish they were. However, kids need and deserve to be accepted for who they are. Respectful parents accept their kids who they are, including their uniqueness and quirks.
That means embracing your fearless child, your loud kid, shy kids, those who are big dreamers, kids who challenge us, and those who speak up. Kids are all unique, and it’s beautiful to learn who your child is.
7. Use Natural Consequences Instead of Punishments
When you impose a consequence on your child, you create a punishment rather than a consequence. A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally without your interference, and it can be a great learning tool. It can be hard to let go and allow your child to experience these consequences.
For example, if your child is adamant that it’s not too cold and he doesn’t need a jacket, then he will be cold when you go to the park. I suggest putting that coat in the car. He will learn firsthand the consequences of his choice.
Another example is when your child is playing too roughly with his truck. You might gently remind him that playing this way might break it. Then, when the wheels snap off, the truck is broken.
Don’t use this time to lecture your child. Don’t take this time to tell your child that you “told them so.” Kids feel bad for their mistakes, just as an adult would. Parents don’t need to add any more blame, shame, or pain to make it worse.
8. Be Honest
Respectful parenting means being honest with your child (in an age-appropriate way).
This means that parents don’t need to lie to their kids. We prize and cherish our friends and family who are honest with us, but when we lie to a child, we don’t blink an eye. If we strive to believe that kids are humans, then we know that we need to tell them the truth in many things.
9. Kids Deserve Our Trust
Here is another principle that doesn’t feel so normal for mainstream parenting. Do you trust your children? Trusting our kids doesn’t come naturally, but do we respect them if we don’t trust them?
Children deserve our trust. If we don’t trust them, that means that we believe that they are inherently bad. We think that they WANT to do bad things rather than assuming that they have a desire to do what is right.
While that is the prevailing thought about mainstream parenting, it’s not what respectful parents believe. It seems to be a widely held idea that children are out to do wrong, and that they need to be punished.
Believe and trust that your children want to do what is right. They are young and have to learn what is right and how to do it!
10. Remember That Kids are Not Inferior
Children are just as equal to adults. They should never be treated as inferior beings. They are not sub-human.
You may hear that parents don’t need to be friends with their kids. I want to challenge you to consider that we can be both parents and our kids’ friends. They aren’t mutually exclusive.
11. Respect Their Body Autonomy
No, this isn’t one of the least essential principles for respectful parenting. It’s quite an essential one! We must always respect our children’s right to their own bodies.
Just because we are their parents doesn’t mean we control or own their bodies. If a child isn’t hungry, you can’t force them to eat. (Would you want to be forced to eat?)
If you were forced to hug the creepy neighbor down the road, wouldn’t you be upset?
Giving your child the freedom to sense their own needs and follow their instincts will pay off with dividends later in life.
And this really makes sense when we look at it from the standpoint that our kids are humans (from day one!). Yes, it’s still your job to encourage your kids to make the right choices. It’s also okay to set boundaries and enforce natural consequences. But don’t override their ability to sense and respond to their own instincts and needs.
12. Practice Respectful Parenting From Day One
You might be reading this picturing your child as he or she grows up, thinking, “OK I’ll do this respectful parenting thing when my kids are older and can understand.”
But the great thing is that you can start right now. You can start no matter how old your little one is.
If you’re pregnant, you can work on your bond with the baby now. Read books about gentle parenting. And set up a gentle and respectful birth plan. For example, when your baby is born, you can speak gently in the delivery room as you allow your baby to adjust to their life outside the womb.
As your baby grows, you can communicate to your baby about what you’re doing. When you’re going to pick them up or when you’re going to change a diaper, you can tell them what you’re doing. It might sound a little crazy to practice respectful parenting to a newborn but remember — even a newborn is human and will begin to understand what you mean and what’s happening to them.
(Don’t knock it till you try it.)
And the beautiful thing is that the more you do it, the more it gets ingrained and becomes a daily thing for you. Then by the time your baby turns into a toddler, you’ll have the respectful parenting basics down and you’ll be ready to tackle allllllll the tantrums.
Really! You’ll have learned the tools you need to be able to better handle your little one’s needs and frustrations. (Hint: toddlers like having choices. Give toddlers choices.)
Further Reading on Respectful Parenting
If you want to learn more about respectful parenting, here are some reading and resources for those long nights.
- Best Gentle Parenting Books for New Parents
- Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting – Janet Lansbury
- No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame – Janet Lansbury
- Janet Lansbury’s website. She is a gift to the respectful parenting community.
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk – Adela Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 – Joanna Faber and Julie King
- Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities – Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson
- The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind – Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too – Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
The Beauty of Respectful Parenting
When you stand back and think about what respectful parenting creates, it’s truly remarkable. We create children who are motivated, and who have the momentum to improve and learn. Children are often more creative and curious if they have the space to do so. More importantly, they are not motivated by fear, rewards, or shame.
It’s important to take time and create space to relate to our children as people. Respect and learn about who they are and who they are becoming in their unique ways. It’s honestly so much more pleasant than trying to control, punish, and manipulate a child and then navigating the consequences of children who don’t feel respected. So enjoy this gift of respectful parenting. it is not always easy, but it’s meaningful and worth it!
Do you have any tips for respectful parenting? I’d love to know!
I love this! I do feel alot of shame from failing at times to do these things. It’s been tough as I’ve gone against advice from family for parenting, but had toxic sleep expectations. At 11 months, my baby doesn’t fit the ideal sleeper category and sheer sleep deprivation and lack of support for how I am trying to parent has caused me to say and treat my baby less than respectfully. I’m hoping to get there by showing grace to myself (q difficulty rooted in my own upbringing) and ridding myself of toxic sleep training ideals.